“Happy Mother’s Day to my tribe of mothers working outside of the home! You can do it, you can juggle a perfect family life and a fabulous career – guilt free! Oh, and don’t forget to make everyone’s social plans, arrange transportation, volunteer at school, do yoga, make a wheat grass smoothie, drink plenty of liquids, and to love yourself!”
I’m laughing as I read this to myself having already worked 12 hours today and missing my daughter going to sleep by 15 minutes tonight. I admit, there was no wheat grass smoothie today either. This is prime time for the dreaded mommy guilt. It can be nasty, unrelenting, and vengeful.
Working moms often feel a sense of guilt when they leave their child with caretakers so they can work. Although society has come a very long way with empowering working women, there remains a lingering guilt for many moms in the workforce. It’s inevitable that working moms (and dads – but we’re talking about moms today) will certainly miss some parts of their child’s growing experience. We will miss some ballet classes, soccer games, school plays, and science fairs. There will be mean moms who make comments and relatives with judgmental stares. We will question our decisions and wonder if we are missing too much. This is all part of the package.
Working or not, society sends us messages that we have to be with our children 24-7 to ensure their safety. This is not possible for those of us working outside of the home. We are told that there’s just a brief moment in time in which we must do everything right or our kids will be scarred for life. Pregnancy, breast feeding, toilet training, nutrition, playing, and choosing nurseries and schools can all be high stress when the fear of doing one thing wrong will cause lifetime consequences for your child. Mothers’ biological predisposition for empathy with their children also means that we are hypersensitive to guilt. This can be good, it encourages the mother-child bond and attachment. It also means that we feel pain when our kids feel pain (even if we are imagining they feel pain) and have the tendency to blame ourselves for their pain. So, if we think that working and not being totally available may cause hardship we will feel guilt and pain.
Mothers are more likely to be in the workforce now than in previous decades. Single working moms juggle working while also trying to meet the aforementioned criteria for raising a well-adjusted child. The demands are overwhelming. In two parent households women often work to contribute money to the family’s expenses in our delicate financial economy. If they go to work they feel guilty for not being with their child. If they stay at home they feel guilty for not financially contributing to the family and also often feel guilty that they do not enjoy the time at home as much as they feel they should. There is no perfect choice, all roads lead to guilt, dammit.
So what can working moms do to get a grip on the guilt?
Self-care
I cannot stress this enough. It’s imperative that you make time to take care of yourself in whatever way works for you. This means that you make time, daily, to do something that is only for you. During this time you are not multitasking, checking emails, writing lists, or thinking about doing anything for others. Everyone’s self-care routine and techniques are different. I like to indulge in really trashy mind-numbing reality television early in the morning. Should I be doing yoga or hitting the gym? Yes, probably, but that doesn’t work as self-care for me.
Radical acceptance
Accept that all working moms feel guilty in one way or another. Accept that you will miss things with your children, and acknowledge that you will also be there for many things.
Role model
Remember that you are setting an example for your children, especially your girls. Your actions are demonstrating that having a profession and working is a way to secure financial independence, security, and freedom of choice.
Connect
Talk honestly with other working moms about their experiences trying to balance work demands and motherhood.
Unplug
Limit your screen time when you are with your kids. This will increase the quality of the time spent together and decrease the guilt.
Delegate
Are there responsibilities at home that could be done by someone else? Do you really need to be the one responsible for buying a gift for the never-ending slew of birthday parties? No, you don’t. Delegate this task to a partner, friend, grandparent, or anyone who supports your home life. The same goes for household chores, if you can hire someone to clean your house do it. Similarly, it’s OK to get takeout or eat left-overs when no one has time to cook; this is normal.
Good enough
Aim to be a “good enough mother” instead of a hover mother. Psychoanalyst Winnicott discussed this idea in the early 1970’s. His findings demonstrate that being “good enough” (not attending to every little whimper or desire) allows the child room to develop independence and encourages cognitive development. When you’re at work it allows your child space to form their own thoughts and feelings without seeking your affirmation.
Boundaries
If you have people in your life that increase your mom guilt it’s time to draw some boundaries. Limit the time you spend with these individuals; the same goes for other toxic relationships. They are costing you energy that would be better used in other relationships.
Date
Take time off of work to spend with your child, or do a date where you and your child spend time exclusively together. Going out for breakfast or lunch can be a great time to catch up and hitting the playground can do wonders for bonding.
Break
Give yourself a break and home and at work. No one is perfect and we’re all learning along the way. Being a working mom is hard, much harder than I could have imagined. The highs will be high, but the lows will be low. Please remember, there are others of us out here who are also trying to figure out how to crush it at work and mommy hood. You’re not alone. It’s not easy. It’s also the best of both worlds. I will remind myself of this early tomorrow morning while sipping coffee and watching reality TV while the house is still quiet.
Dr. Anne Justus, Clinical Psychologist, Director of Maadi Psychology Center in New Cairo, and Full Time Working Mom.
