Alright, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I went from being an introvert to an extrovert. I’m still the same girl who would rather stay at home than go to a place that requires me to interact and be outgoing. I’m still me. I’m just not as extreme as I used to be. How can you be an extreme introvert, you may ask? I will tell you.
What led to it
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When I was a child, I didn’t have friends at all. I cried day in and day out to my mom about how lonely and friendless I was. I had every reason to be bullied at school, but I wasn’t (as much as I can remember at least). Still, I didn’t have friends. I had only one girl, God bless her soul, who was able to somewhat accept my clingy personality and she allowed me to be her friend for a few years. She eventually got bored at the end. I don’t think I had many interests back in the day. I was a bland girl; I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t stupid, I wasn’t pretty nor ugly, I just existed. And when I found a person who would like to spend time with me, I felt like I wanted that person all to myself. At the end, they left. I had to find someone else, I had to have friends. I joined a group of girls at school who didn’t really accept me, they just kept me in the group for the heck of it. I heard one of the girls’ mother say ” what is she doing here?” That was enough for me to stop going out with them – and to stop looking for human beings all together. I found myself in the world of fandom.
Shut-in life
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I found my way to the world of pop music. The world of boy bands. I started to get obsessed. I started to make virtual friends at a time when it was frowned upon. I was still young to be talking to strangers online. Strangers who you could never know if they were real or not. I just went for the profile picture, if they had pictures of my favorite boy band at the time, they gain a friend request from me. I started to get completely immersed in the virtual life. I checked paparazzi website everyday, got upset when any of them got in a relationship and rejoiced when they broke up. It was all okay when I was giving it an acceptable margin of my time. Then things went downhill, fast.
The dark side
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I started to only talk to people online. Even the people I knew at school or at the club. I couldn’t interact with them face-to-face. Just give me a keyboard and I’ll be the funniest, most social person, you ever met. I wasn’t comfortable with any human interaction. I began retreating more and more inside myself. Spending more time at the house on my family’s computer and chatting with online people. I skipped family outings just to stay home, waiting for the band’s live-stream, hoping they would notice me. I stayed up till 2 or 3 am to take place in a competition they were making.
The last string that proved me wrong was my brother’s graduation day. I didn’t go. I was at a time when I didn’t appreciate school or understand how big it is to graduate. So I stayed home. I stayed home to watch a live-stream of the same boy band. I stayed online for hours, spamming their chat until the live-stream was over. They didn’t notice me. Now my brother is upset because I didn’t attend his graduation. I felt like I didn’t have any friends to call and talk to about all of it. I didn’t have a friend to scold me. I didn’t have anyone. I cried.
Getting back up
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Enough with the sob stories. The bottom line is I realized that what I did was wrong and I should tend to my family more and appreciate the things they like, even if I don’t completely understand it. They were completely supportive of my moods and boy-band phase. I think this is very important; to have a family that supports you and accept the changes in your personality. And so it began. I started to spend more time with my family and less time online. I still did not have friends at school or really anywhere so I just got by. To me, school was just a phase I was dying for to end.
I started to take note of my older brother (yes, the one I missed his graduation). I noticed how social he was. Everywhere I went, no matter who I met, they always knew me as his sister. He was very popular and loved by both boys and girls. Every teacher loved and respected him at school. I wanted to be like him. So I tried with schoolmates. I think, subconsciously, they were my test subjects. I would go out with my brother’s group of friends and come back to school and try to do the same things he does. I wanted to see if I can be funny and cool. I tried my best to make them laugh, to understand their feelings, to know what to say and when.
I failed many times. At times, I was more annoying than funny, and I felt it in the tension. At times, I got angry at stupid things. My jokes were too explicit. I got too embarrassed at times. At first, I couldn’t talk to people I don’t know but little by little, I became more comfortable doing so. I tried to adjust these traits until I reached the point I’m in right now.
My semi-social self
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I still find myself in my alone time, at home, looking for my new obsession. I still don’t feel perfectly fine going out and meeting new people. I’m trying to balance everything. Some people think I’m an out-going extrovert when they first meet me. Others think I’m still a complete shut-in. Since I was just a small girl I feared being alone, and all I did was just a coping mechanism. I always did my best to find a way to fit in, even if it meant staying at home chatting with strangers all day. I don’t know which personality is truly mine; the shut-in or the social. I still think I’m both. I still don’t have that many friends but I still act like I do. I still like to sit alone on the couch eating food in front of the TV but I still want to go out and have fun. Most of the times going out with people is not an option. Yes I made friends along the way but I haven’t been anyone’s priority.
My personality is still developing. I’m still growing and changing as much as I feel the need to be. I still get awkward and wish I can immediately leave a place. I still want to meet new people but fear what they think of me. I never stopped observing and developing my social skills. I’m still an introvert but now I reached an okay-level of socializing. I’m proud of myself, and I encourage you to do the same.
