For the first time in a very long time, I actually really appreciate having my job and having something to pour my heart and soul into every day. Having been away for the past 10 days has made me realize why a person like me really needs their career and really needs to stay busy all the time. As much as I enjoyed being on vacation, I missed the challenge and hard work. I missed the feeling of being in control and making a difference with my thoughts and ideas. I realized that being too relaxed for too long actually drives me insane and makes me feel useless and incompetent.
Being at work gives me structure and routine and helps me keep all of my out of control feelings in check. I was only out of Cairo for the first five days but as soon as I came back, I suddenly felt like I was dead inside. I didn’t feel like leaving my house, seeing people or interacting with the outside world. A bit extreme I know, but anything else I would’ve done wouldn’t have matched what I felt while I was away. In short, Cairo kills me. I started watching shows in bed, binge eating like crazy and sleeping excessively. I suddenly felt miserable, overweight and unsatisfied with myself.
I’ve always had an eating problem and this is something I acknowledge. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food because it’s either I’m eating everything or eating close to nothing. Being at work helps me keep my food intake in check. I eat a balanced meal in the afternoon with my co-workers and because I’m so busy and productive, I forget about wanting to binge. I’m also someone that has an excessive amount of mental energy. My brain does not stop thinking, working and planning. Being at home makes me feel so exhausted and bored that I eventually just resort to falling asleep and doing absolutely nothing.
Contrary to who I am at work, I suddenly shut down. I go from being loud, creative, productive, hardworking, persistent and ambitious to a lazy slob who can barely stand up to get a drink of water. I sit and question myself constantly and ask myself why I’m like this and I’ve just come to the conclusion that I’m a very extreme person and it’s very hard for me to find middle ground. It’s either I’m travelling and having the time of my life barely getting in an hour of sleep and living my life to the fullest or nothing at all. I’m either working myself dry or not moving. I don’t enjoy the mediocre things in life anymore. I hate meeting people at cafes and having small talk about nonsense crap. I hate seeing the same people over and over, without adding any value to my life. I hate useless conversations more than anything and when I start to realize that’s the only thing coming my way, I just want to shut it off and retreat into my lonely cave.
In all honesty, my job gives me an internal satisfaction I can’t really compare with anything else. It’s not the same pleasure I get out of travelling, going out or having fun. It gives me a sense of control, purpose and motivation. It challenges me to always step up my game and push harder and grow. It’s an outlet for all my excessive mental energy, creativity and constant need for more. A big shutout to my team who always give me positive energy and keep me grounded. I think doing what I do is the only thing that actually helps me stay sane and I’m so thankful for that.
