I’ve always struggled with the idea of perfect. The idea of getting everything just right, all the time. I don’t know if I blame society, being an OCD perfectionist or just the very intense and analytical character I’ve grown up to become. Nonetheless, I’ve always struggled with my image. Am I a glam girl who likes looking top notch extravagant, dripping in the blinding grace of my Huda Beauty highlighter? Or am I the girl who just rolls out bed, brushes her teeth and miraculously shows up at work? Well let me tell you, I’m both. I have no in between. I either breed Russian ballerinas for a living or clean cat shit; I am the oxymoron.
Women have it hard, especially working women. Its tough meeting everyone’s expectations all the damn time. When I sashay into the office in the morning or an after-work outing 30 minutes late, people praise my makeup and how bouncy my hair looks (it takes time, trust me). Watch me make an effort to be on time, however, and disregard my physical appearance and just show up as, well, me. I’m automatically bombarded with comments like “are you sick, darling? You don’t look too good. Have you slept booboo? I think you need to get some rest. Try skipping the 8 am gym sessions.” Okay babe 1 through 5, you need to calm down and let me be.
The desire to be perfect seems to influence women starting at a very young and vulnerable age. Perfectionism can have serious implications on women and men alike. It has often been linked to anxiety and depression and the health and happiness of young women is a growing concern. In fact, a study has found that 28.2% of 16- to 24-year-olds have a mental health condition, with one in four women aged 16 to 24 experiencing anxiety, depression, panic disorder, phobia or obsessive compulsive disorder.
I used to feel the need to look perfect all the time. I am not sure how this obsession developed but social media and magazines definitely played a huge role. I was always complaining and always feeling angry because I didn’t feel like I ever looked good enough. When I was having an off day and just didn’t feel like making the effort, I actually used to sit there sulking and feeling guilty, like I should’ve done more.
When I was a kid I used to hate the fact that I have eyelashes that reach my eyebrows. I used to cut them off with scissors and wish they wouldn’t grow so long. I used to hate the fact that I had such thick hair and my elastics would always snap every time I tried to put my hair in a ponytail. I used to hate the fact that I had big lips and I would beg my mom to let me get a surgery when I was older to “suck out the fat”. I used to hate my curves, I wanted to be a stick that didn’t have to worry about what was falling out of my dress. I was absolutely obsessed with my weight and obsessed with everything about my physical appearance. When I look back at my old pictures I was either too skinny, too big, too wide, too curvy, too unhealthy, eating everything or eating nothing. I still have an unhealthy relationship with food and my body to this day, I either workout and diet like crazy or completely let myself go.
I’m not where I want to be yet and I still don’t love myself the way I should but I feel like the more we grow and experience things in life the more we begin to accept ourselves. Everything I used to hate about myself as a child I’ve learned to appreciate and love as an adult. Love comes in all forms but I really do believe self acceptance is the most important type. They always tell you to “Love yourself first and everything else will follow” but its much easier said than done. I’m still struggling, I’m still insecure and I’m still learning.
So here’s a little message to myself and anyone reading this, that needs to hear it. You are beautiful in your own special way. You have a big heart. You matter in this world and you make a difference. You’re not a waste of space. You are loved. No one is watching you every hour of the day, chasing you with a sword demanding you to be Queen of glam-ville. Its ok if you eat the damn burger, you’ll work out when you get home. It’s fine that your face isn’t smothered in foundation and people can see your one holy pimple. Your hips aren’t too wide and your chest isn’t too out there. Relax. You’re good. Stop obsessing. Give yourself the chance to happily live your life. Believe people when they tell you they think you’re beautiful and lovely.
Give yourself a break and understand that maybe it’s time to stop striving for the idea of “perfect” and start focusing on all the good and wonderful things life has bestowed upon us. Chin up and go forth with confidence, you got this.
