If you have a gut feeling that something is seriously wrong, if you feel anxious like you’re walking on eggshells and feel guilty and uncomfortable around someone, you might be experiencing toxic behavior. If so, this article is definitely for you. If anyone has ever told you, you make them feel this way, you should probably keep reading too.
To start with, I would like to make it clear, that not all toxic people are bad people. Toxic behavior is formed due to many circumstances that will be discussed further on. It is also very important to know that you can have both healthy and toxic relationships with different people. I personally refuse the label “toxic person.” I’d like to rephrase that as a person that shows signs of toxic behavior, not that the person as a whole is toxic. Rather, the behaviors they exhibit are considered the problem. I’ve personally dealt with a lot of these types of personalities throughout my life, myself included, and I believe that it is vital to identify these types of behaviors so you can save yourself from being hurt or put through heartbreaking experiences. In a nutshell, I strongly believe that we start showing signs of toxic behavior when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values.
Identifying toxic behavior is not an easy solution, no relationship is full of rainbows and butterflies, struggles and problems will always exist. Therefore, you need to understand that the signs I will identify below are considered toxic behavior when done on a higher scale and repetitively.
Creating Sudden Drama
Making you feel guilty, as if you’re not enough and turning tables. You’ll feel like their drama emotionally drains you, sometimes you might feel like you dread or fear being around them. It feels like being stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them, like it’s an obligation.
Manipulation
Manipulators usually use guilt, complaining, mind games, assumptions and emotional blackmail. Guilt, however, is the most common tactic. Victimizing themselves through implications like criticism, and self-pity are also used to manipulate you, to get what they want: “Why do you only think of yourself and never ask or help me with my problems? I helped you.” Acting like a victim is a way to manipulate with guilt. For example, during an argument they might say “Can’t you see the hurt you’re causing me? I’ve hit rock bottom!” to make you feel guiltier. Also, they may say whatever they think someone wants to hear to get along or be loved, but then later they do what they want. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.
Excessively Needy and Clingy
Generally, being clingy and insecure go hand in hand. The sad thing is that often, no matter how much you give a clingy person, it will never be enough to make them feel trusting and secure in the relationship. They also do not understand what personal space is. It’s especially tiring, if you’re already an introverted person.
Compulsive Lying
There is a big difference between white lies and compulsive lying. White lies like lying about having a headache to get out of attending a meeting or why you were late to work are harmless. They don’t have malicious intentions and are usually told to spare another’s feelings. However, compulsive lying or pathological lies in other words are told frequently, compulsively and for no apparent reason. They often talk about experiences in which they appear heroic or also the victim in many of their stories, and have different versions of the same story. This type of behavior can make you feel exhausted and angry while you’re with them or after your interaction. In a lot of cases, you can start doubting yourself and the truth. Most importantly, dealing with a compulsive liar can inflict trust issues, doubting everything they say and finding it hard to believe anything that comes out of their mouth.
Extremely Negative
We all complain at times, some more than others. However, negative people are never satisfied, happy, or appreciative. They will complain about anything that comes their way. A person with this trait, thinks that their problems are what matter most, and they will always have it worse. This will have an effect on your energy and the way you feel around them. You will most probably feel like you’re not making them happy no matter the efforts you exert. I used to be very close to someone like that. When we’d reminisce on the joyful days we’ve spent together, this person would comment something along the lines of “we were miserable then.” This would bring me down, making me feel like no matter what I do, I can never make them happy. Sometimes it’s really difficult to deal with. Imagine having a boss that no matter the efforts and hard work you exert, they will still see that one negative thing.
Belittling and Undermining You
Belittling is the intentional act of making another feel worthless, empty, and dismissed. Belittling another often creates a personal emptiness and void. It can create a sense of loneliness and despair in the lives of many. When someone belittles another he/she are often trivializing, minimizing and downgrading another. The reason someone might belittle you is because they constantly try to feel superior, making you in need of their validation.
I really wanted to dig deeper and understand how people identify toxic behavior, and these are some of the answers I got:
“Definitely uncertainty! Being confused about how they feel towards you. One second they love you and the other they treat you like you’re nothing to them.”
“Thinking they’re always right and never accepting the slightest criticism, which leads to extreme defensiveness. If you point out something they’ve done. It will automatically turn into a fight and tables will certainly be turned.”
“I noticed toxic behavior in myself at work, when I realized I would always turn discussions into arguments when I lose grip on the purpose of a conversation.”
“Someone who makes you feel like you’re not good enough and that the best you can be is mediocre, is unquestionably toxic to me.”
“They keep you hanging, even though they’re sure it will never happen. Keeping you as an option.”
“I can’t keep up with their lies. Sometimes they use lies to guilt trip me. For example telling me they bailed out of an important meeting to see me, when there wasn’t even a meeting to start with.”
“They don’t feel happy for you when good things are happening in your life, indirectly putting you down.”
“Dealing with a person who displays toxic behavior will probably impact you in more ways than you’ll realize at first but the overarching consequence is that you lose yourself a little. You question yourself and fall out of alignment with who you truly are and who you want to be.”
If you can spot these types of behaviors in a partner, friend, coworker, parent, or yourself, you ought to identify why you or that person have been behaving in that certain way. Communication is key. Speak to yourself, and speak to that person, set and maintain boundaries. From personal experience, I can tell you that sometimes we don’t reflect on the relationship, and we barely consider how or why we’ve been caught up in an unhealthy relationship.
For instance, you might be making excuses for them, trying to fix them or taking all the blame for that person. However, If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion. Sometimes, ending the relationship may be painful, particularly if you have a long history with the person. Ultimately though, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life. If you’re a person suffering from anxiety, dealing with toxic behavior can be devastating. Lastly, I will leave you with a simple exercise that will definitely help you identify toxic behavior. This exercise will help you examine the relationship, the way they treat you vs what they say.
- Make a list of what they say with their words and another list of what their actions showed you
- Highlight the ones that contradict
- Ask yourself why you tolerated this
The answers you get from this exercise will definitely lead you to what you need to work on, with the other person and on a personal level too. Finally, you need to understand that some people show signs of toxic behavior not because they don’t love you or care about you, it’s much deeper than that. Some of these people are deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.
