Upon meeting me, different people have different perceptions of who I am and I mostly attribute that to being “moody.” Some people will get the loud, fun, talkative version of me who has funny stories to tell and an endless supply of nonsense to give out. Others, will get the silent, exhausted, worn-out version of me who has no intention to socialize or even speak.
In different versions of myself, I began to notice that I act according to how I feel. Sometimes I love challenging myself and meeting new people and life suddenly becomes something I want to live to the fullest and I’m willing to go extra miles for the pure intention of having a good laugh. I’m usually not afraid to ask for what I want and I’m very blunt, taking chances on opportunities that are more exciting and uncertain than they are stable and secure. In another version of myself, I want to lock myself up in my room with the solace of my thoughts, barely able to keep myself up or interact with the outside world.
When it comes to work, both versions of myself make an appearance and it makes me anxious to have people see so many different sides of me, that I am sometimes unable to control. Am I the extroverted loud fun version of myself or am I the silent and unwilling to communicate version of me right now? If I had walked into these doors with just one introverted character it would have been less confusing. But I am both, with all the good and bad of each, encompassed into a little confused bundle of a human. As rational and logical as I can be at times, my never ending struggle with my identity makes me irrational and angry. This doesn’t reflect into my work under any circumstance but it makes dealing with people a lot more difficult on me.
I started noticing this strange paradox a few years back when I suddenly lost the feeling of wanting to be around people, my own best friends, my own family. I started canceling plans last minute and usually found myself feeling the happiest and safest, alone in my house cuddled up with my cats. The thought of being out in loud crowds, where I’d have to act like my usual self gave me anxiety and I couldn’t understand why. In our younger years, my friends always knew me as the crazy, loud, outgoing one who couldn’t care less about anything. Looking at myself now, it couldn’t be further away from the truth. It got so suffocating to the point that I just wanted to hide away from everyone I knew. I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone.
I went from enjoying being around everything and anyone to suddenly developing a growing case of social anxiety. My knees would get weak and I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe. I was exhausted and short-tempered when I spent time with friends and family. I wasn’t my best self, and I couldn’t seem to understand why.
For a while I thought I was depressed but having experience with people who truly suffer from depression, I understood that this wasn’t the case. I went through various stages of blaming my job, the fact that I wasn’t losing weight or being too tired to go to the gym or even a lack of sleep.
In time I slowly started to realize that the suffocative pressure I was feeling was coming from people always expecting me to be and act a certain way. If I wasn’t delivering the version of me they were used to seeing they would think I was acting strange and being off balance. I realized I just needed to recharge and disconnect and come into being with what makes me feel comfortable and at ease, whilst still doing my best. What I know on a very superficial level is that introverts get their energy from being alone while extroverts get it from being around others. And although many of my traits embody what comes from being associated with being extroverted, my energy comes from being alone.
In conclusion, the more I learned to respect my boundaries and what I’m capable of, the more productive and fulfilled I’ve become whilst still maintaining my energy and being able to carry out my duties. It’s still really hard to balance both sides of a complex internal equation but the more I focus on accepting the way I am, the easier it is to handle it.
